Parenting for defiant children.

It is very common that parents would seek for parenting skills after child's aggressive behaviors or anger outbursts at school. Parents may also experience being involved with a court system if school officials would decide that lack of parenting skills takes place in particular situation. Parents would come to see a behavior specialist and first questions are usually: "Why me? Why I am forced to learn about parenting skills? I raised my children all by myself, nobody helped me! Or I believe I am a great parent and if school has problems with my child they have to change a teacher or principal has to "fix" it or maybe school counselor does not do her job!"
These questions come up very often and behavior specialist has to work hard to gently and respectfully explain parent that it is not possible to blame school and school officials if your child can not follow simple rules. These rules, actually, seem to be simple for us but not so simple for a child who has been bullied and has to demonstrate self-control.
In most situations something definitely triggers child's behavior at school it can be teasing, bullying, low self-esteem and all kinds of other reasons. However, there is no reason for a child to be aggressive, violent towards other kids, teachers and teachers' ads.
When child has fights at school and gets suspensions every other day parents feel very stressed out, overwhelmed and they try to find therapist, counselor or behavior specialist to "fix" this child. Unfortunately many parents wait for "magic", wait for somebody who will come and "fix" child, somebody who would solve all problems in any way giving parents an opportunity to work, not getting calls from school all the time and be less overwhelmed.
It would be wonderful if somebody would come and "fix" all children but it does not work in this way. Counselors, therapists and behavioral specialists may do a wonderful job, but when child comes back to the same environment and parents do not want to change ways of disciplining and managing child's behavior we can forget about progress and positive outcome of the situation. This is the reason why if your child shows disruptive, aggressive behaviors at school maybe it is time to ask yourself: What do I do as a parent to contribute to this behavior? I spend with my child most of the time and may be there is something I need to learn and work on to help my child to be happy and successful in life?
Please, do not feel embarrassed or hesitated to seek for advice and to learn more about parenting if you feel that situation with your child's behavior goes out of your control. We learn about investments in our lives but we may forget that your own child is the best investment you ever made. Spending time to learn more about parenting skills would definitely help you to manage your child better and bring to the world successful person instead of raising the child who has problems with a court system due to poor self-control.
Dina Bakhitova is a Master's level psychotherapist, Board Certified Professional Counselor, Play Therapist and Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapy specialist. Dina works with children, adolescents and families at the Behavioral Services Clinic.
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